QUOTES FROM FAMOUS COMEDIANS & WITS Politicians, Presidents and stars: Marilyn Monroe, Sam Goldwyn, Ronald Reagan
If you can't think of anything funny, quote a famous person.
Quote them long enough, and you'll get the hang of it. Mostly you reverse an idea.
Alphabetically by surname
A
JOHN ADAMS, PRESIDENT, USA
”In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.”
JANE AUSTEN
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a wife.
B
LUCILLE BALL
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
VICTOR BORGE (Danish Comedian.)
Santa has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
CHARLOTTE BRONTE
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
C
JIMMY CARTER, US PRESIDENT
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. Now, when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
DALE CARNEGIE
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN said:
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl
SASHA BARON COHEN as Borat
According to Wikiquote
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
(On being asked if he wanted Queen Vicotria to visit him as he lay dying.)
No, thank you. She will only want me to take a message to Albert.
E
AMELIA EARHART
Never interupt somebody doing something you said couldn't be done.
F
W C FIELDS
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
Some scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch.
I cook with wine and sometimes I even add it to the food.
G
JACOB GRIMM (Co-author of Grimm's Fairy Tales)
They were rascals, people who find things before they are lost.
SAM GOLDWYN
(Of Louis M Mayer of MGM)
The reason so many people turned up at his funeral is they wanted to make sure he was dead.
I don't think anybody should write their autobiography until after they've died.
We're overpaying him, but he's worth it.
H
HANCOCK
(To Red Indian in a blood transfusion centre.)
Are you a full blooeded Indian?
No, I'm one pint short.
BENNY HILL
Do unto others, then run.
Just because noobdy complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
BOB HOPE
A bank is a place which will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
K
J F KENNEDY
Ich bin ein Berliner.
L
ANGELA LANSBURY
(To a bride to be during question time on a Radio London late night programme on etiquette: )
Of course you can wear white to your wedding if you are not a virgin. Everybody else does.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one.
If this is tea, bring me coffee; if this is coffee, bring me tea.
To MRS LINCOLN
Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
M
MARILYN MONROE
(Her first meal with the family of her umpteenth husband, Jewish playwright Arthur Miller. Marilyn was offered Matzah balls - dumplings made of unleavened bread).
She asked, "What do they do with the rest of the animal?"
M
GROUCHO MARX
Groucho Marx said:
I would not be a member of any club which would have me as a member.
Marriage is a fine institution but I am not ready for an institution.
SPIKE MILLIGAN OBE
Harry Secombe, in WW2: Have you seen a cannon?
Spike Milligan. No. What colour is it?
On his gravestone, inscription which he wrote:
I told you I was ill.
A A MILNE
People say nothing is impossible.
But I do nothing every day.
You can't help respecting anybody who can spell Tuesday, even if they can't spell it right.
JOE ORTON
The Ten Commandments. She was a gret believer - in some of them.
We lavished every luxury on you, breastfeeding, private schooling, circumcision.
P
DOROTHY PARKER
(On hearing that President Calvin Coolidge had died.)
How could they tell?
DOLLY PARTON
It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.
RICHARD PRYOR
I'd like to make you laugh for ten minutes. Though I'm going to be on for an hour.
T
DYLAN THOMAS
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
ANTHONY TROLLOPE
Whoever yet was offered a secret - and declined it.
MARK TWAIN
It takes three weeks to write a good impromptu speech.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
W
MAE WEST
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just please to see me?
Ten men to see me? I'm tired. Send one of them home.
(On being told, "Goodness - what beautiful diamonds.") "Goodness had nothing to do with it."
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
W
OSCAR WILDE
(Supposed last words.)
Either that wallpaper goes or I go.
Angela Lansbury is a travel writer and photographer, author of 20 books, and a speaker and speech trainer.
Her books include:
Wedding Speeches & Toasts
Quick Quotations
Writing Poetry For Fun
Angela's Alarming Animal Poems
This blog has many more posts on learning languages and destinations around the world. Please share links to your favourite pages.
See my other blog
https://how2bfunny.blogspot.com/2020/08/why-be-funny-advantages-disadvantages.html
Quote them long enough, and you'll get the hang of it. Mostly you reverse an idea.
Alphabetically by surname
A
JOHN ADAMS, PRESIDENT, USA
”In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.”
JANE AUSTEN
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a wife.
B
LUCILLE BALL
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
VICTOR BORGE (Danish Comedian.)
Santa has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
CHARLOTTE BRONTE
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
C
JIMMY CARTER, US PRESIDENT
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. Now, when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
DALE CARNEGIE
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Charlie Chaplin. Wikimedia. Photo author P D Jankens.
CCHARLIE CHAPLIN said:
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl
SASHA BARON COHEN as Borat
According to Wikiquote
- [Kissing Gesture Made to Woman] Very nice. How much?
- This is Natalya. [kisses her passionately] She is my sister. She is number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.
(Oddly, my family remembers this as the number two prostitute, which we think is funnier.)
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
(On being asked if he wanted Queen Vicotria to visit him as he lay dying.)
No, thank you. She will only want me to take a message to Albert.
E
AMELIA EARHART
Never interupt somebody doing something you said couldn't be done.
F
W C FIELDS
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
Some scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch.
I cook with wine and sometimes I even add it to the food.
G
JACOB GRIMM (Co-author of Grimm's Fairy Tales)
They were rascals, people who find things before they are lost.
SAM GOLDWYN
(Of Louis M Mayer of MGM)
The reason so many people turned up at his funeral is they wanted to make sure he was dead.
I don't think anybody should write their autobiography until after they've died.
We're overpaying him, but he's worth it.
H
HANCOCK
(To Red Indian in a blood transfusion centre.)
Are you a full blooeded Indian?
No, I'm one pint short.
BENNY HILL
Do unto others, then run.
Just because noobdy complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
BOB HOPE
A bank is a place which will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
K
J F KENNEDY
Ich bin ein Berliner.
L
ANGELA LANSBURY
(To a bride to be during question time on a Radio London late night programme on etiquette: )
Of course you can wear white to your wedding if you are not a virgin. Everybody else does.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one.
If this is tea, bring me coffee; if this is coffee, bring me tea.
To MRS LINCOLN
Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
M
MARILYN MONROE
(Her first meal with the family of her umpteenth husband, Jewish playwright Arthur Miller. Marilyn was offered Matzah balls - dumplings made of unleavened bread).
She asked, "What do they do with the rest of the animal?"
M
GROUCHO MARX
Groucho Marx said:
I would not be a member of any club which would have me as a member.
Marriage is a fine institution but I am not ready for an institution.
 |
| Spike Milligan. |
SPIKE MILLIGAN OBE
Harry Secombe, in WW2: Have you seen a cannon?
Spike Milligan. No. What colour is it?
On his gravestone, inscription which he wrote:
I told you I was ill.
A A MILNE
People say nothing is impossible.
But I do nothing every day.
You can't help respecting anybody who can spell Tuesday, even if they can't spell it right.
JOE ORTON
The Ten Commandments. She was a gret believer - in some of them.
We lavished every luxury on you, breastfeeding, private schooling, circumcision.
P
DOROTHY PARKER
(On hearing that President Calvin Coolidge had died.)
How could they tell?
 |
| Dolly Parton. Photo by Curtis Hilbun in Wikimedia. |
DOLLY PARTON
It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.
RICHARD PRYOR
I'd like to make you laugh for ten minutes. Though I'm going to be on for an hour.
T
DYLAN THOMAS
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
ANTHONY TROLLOPE
Whoever yet was offered a secret - and declined it.
MARK TWAIN
It takes three weeks to write a good impromptu speech.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
W
 |
| Mae West. 1933. Wikimedia. |
MAE WEST
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just please to see me?
Ten men to see me? I'm tired. Send one of them home.
(On being told, "Goodness - what beautiful diamonds.") "Goodness had nothing to do with it."
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
W
OSCAR WILDE
(Supposed last words.)
Either that wallpaper goes or I go.
Useful Websites
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_British_comedians
https://www.a-speakers.com/speakers/brad-ashton-keynote-speaker/
Brad Ashton's books on comedy:
“How to Write Comedy”,
“The funny Thing about Writing Comedy”,
“The Job of a Laughtime”, and
“Stand up and Be Laughed at”.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_British_comedians
https://www.a-speakers.com/speakers/brad-ashton-keynote-speaker/
Brad Ashton's books on comedy:
“How to Write Comedy”,
“The funny Thing about Writing Comedy”,
“The Job of a Laughtime”, and
“Stand up and Be Laughed at”.
About the Author
Angela Lansbury is a travel writer and photographer, author of 20 books, and a speaker and speech trainer.
Her books include:
Wedding Speeches & Toasts
Quick Quotations
Writing Poetry For Fun
Angela's Alarming Animal Poems
Pantomime characters, pantomime dames create humour.Angela Lansbury is a travel writer and photographer, author of 20 books, and a speaker and speech trainer.
Her books include:
Wedding Speeches & Toasts
Quick Quotations
Writing Poetry For Fun
Angela's Alarming Animal Poems
Angela Lansbury is a travel writer and photographer, author of 20 books, and a speaker and speech trainer.
Her books include:
Wedding Speeches & Toasts
Quick Quotations
Writing Poetry For Fun
Angela's Alarming Animal Poems
This blog has many more posts on learning languages and destinations around the world. Please share links to your favourite pages.
See my other blog
https://how2bfunny.blogspot.com/2020/08/why-be-funny-advantages-disadvantages.html
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