HUMOROUS QUOTATIONS to spice up speeches 🧡(●'◡'●)




Sources of good, humorous quotations are:
American Presidents,
Winston Churchill,
Mark Twain,
Mae West, and
Oscar Wilde.

I have rewritten them colloquially, as I would say them.

A
Quotations on America
Oscar Wilde, arriving in the USA, asked if he had anything to declare, replied,
I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Quotations on Apologies
Bernard Shaw sent tickets to the first night of his play, to Winston Churchill. Churchill replied:
Sorry I cannot attend your first night. I will attend the second night, if you have one.

B
Quotation on Berlin
John F Kennedy tried to use German in his speech in Berlin, Germany. He said
Ich bin Ein Berliner.
A Berliner is a type of sausage, like saying, in Hamburg, I am a Hamburger.

Quotations on Books
Your book made me laugh and laugh. When I have time I shall open it and read it.
(Groucho Marx.)

C
Quotations on Clubs
I will not join any club which would have me as a member.
(Groucho Marx.)

D
Quotations using Double Entendre (French for double meaning - usually rude or suggestive)
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me!
Mae West

Quotations about Dress
Look your best. Who said love is blind.
Mae West

Quotations on Drinking
When I read that drinking was bad for you, I gave up drinking.
(W C Fields? Several sources.)

Winston, you are drunk.
That is true. You are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

E
Quotations on Education (See teachers)

Epitaphs
I told you I was ill.
Spike Milligan.

Quotations on Exes

All my exes live in Texas, that\s why I hang my hat in Tennessee.
Garth Brooks song

F
Quotes on Fiction
The good end happily and the bad end unhappily. That is what fiction means.
Oscar Wilde

G

Quotations on Golf
Golf is a good walk, spoiled.
Attributed to Mark Twain.

Quotations on Grammar
This is something up with which I will not put.
Churchill

H

Quotations on History
History teaches us that history teaches us nothing.
Henry Ford.

Quotations on Honeymoons
Have you heard of a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone.

Quotations Humour
A day without humour is a day wasted.

I
Quotes on Imagination
Logic takes you from A to B. Imagination takes you everywhere.
Einstein.
This quotation is serious if said with a serious face. If you raise your eyebrows and wave your hand or both hands and smile it becomes optimistic and humorous.

J
How odd of God to choose the Jews.
Not odd at all, goyim annoy 'im.

K
Quotes about Kamikaze Pilots
The only mystery about kamikaze pilots is why they wore helmets.

L
Quotations on Laughter
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Quotations on Love
The brain is the most fantastic organ. It works twenty four hours from the day you are born until you fall in love.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West

M
Quotations on Marriage
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a wife.
Jane Austen

Marriage is an institution. But who wants to live in an institution!
Groucho Marx

Quotations on Movies
All my pictures have been great. They haven;t all been good, but they have been great.
Samuel Goldwyn.

N
Quotations on being Normal
Sometimes I try to be normal but it gets boring so I go back to being me.

Why fit in when you were born to stand out.
Dr Seuss

O
Quotations about Old Age
Three things happen when you get older. The first is that your memory goes and I can't remember the other two.
Sir Norman Wisdom.

P
Quotes on Plagiarism
To steal from one person is plagiarism. The steal from many is research.
Steven Wright

Quotes on Procrastination
Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week.
Spanish proverb

Q
Quotations on Quotations
Oscar Wilde to the painter: I wish I had said that.
Painter: You will, Oscar, you will.

R
Quotations n Rain
God made rainy days so that gardeners could get housework done.

Quotations on Reading
When I read that drinking was bad for you, I gave up drinking.
(W C Fields? Several sources.)

S

Quotations on Speeches
The brain is wonderful. It works from the day you are born, 24 hours a day, until you stand up to give a speech.

It takes me three weeks to write a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I don't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

Quotations on Statistics
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
Attributed by Mark Twain to Benjamin Disraeli.

Quotations on Success
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
Steven Wright

T
Quotations on Teachers
I am a teacher. I am silently correcting your grammar.

Quotations on Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week.

U
Quotes on Uniqueness
Always remember you are absolutely unique, just like everybody else.
Margaret Mead.

V
Quotations on Valentine's Day
Today's Valentine's Day, or as men like to call it, Extortion Day.

W
Quotations on War
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Quotations on Wine
Life is too short to drink cheap wine.
Wine is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.

Quotations on Work
What do I do? As little as possible.

I love work. I can watch it for hours.

The harder I work, the luckier I get.

X
All my exes live in Texas, that\s why I hang my hat in Tennessee.
Garth Brooks song

Y
Quotations on Youth
Youth is wasted on the young.
George Bernard Shaw

Z
Quotations on Zoos
This is becoming un-bear-able.
Don't listen to him, he's li-on. (lying)

The city is not a concrete jungle. It is a human zoo.
Desmond Morris (From his book: The Human Zoo ...)

How to Create Your Own Quotation
Take a famous quotation and parody it.
Take a quotation and add something unexpected - the opposite.
For example:
I'd like to take you out to dinner, failing that breakfast.


Useful Books and Websites
Quick Quotations by Angela Lansbury
Wedding Speeches & Toasts by Angela Lansbury
Who Said What When by Angela Lansbury

About the Author
Angela Lansbury is the author of 20 books. Yes, 20. Such a small number. Catherine Cookson wrote 100. When I go to Writers' conferences I feel so left behind. Then I meet somebody on a bus who sounds impressed and I feel pleased. It can go the other way. I once spoke to somebody on the phone who said, 'You wrote a book. I haven't even read a book.'

I read books. My late mother once looked at my house and said,
"What a lot of books. What did the plumber say this morning, when he walked in your house?"
I replied, "He said what all plumbers say, 'Where's the boiler?' "

The moral is: The internet is full of quotations for you. My books are full of quotations for you. My blogs are full of quotations for you. If you can't find quotations, quote yourself. If you can't think of anything to say, quote your late mother and your plumber.

Angela Lansbury is a travel writer and photographer, author of 20 books, and a speaker and speech trainer.

Her books include:
Wedding Speeches & Toasts
Quick Quotations

Writing Poetry For Fun
Angela's Alarming Animal Poems

SPEAKER
 She is a member of 5 Toastmasters International speakers training clubs in the UK and Singapore and Singapore Online. She has been President of two clubs, secretary of a club, Vice President Education of a club and Vice President Public Relations several times and is currently VP PR of Braddell Heights Advanced speakers club in Singapore. She worked for Eric Webster, author of How To Win The Business Battle and learned from him how to use quotations in books. She attended:
John May school of public speaking, London, UK. 1960s.
Humorous speaking workshop in the UK by contest winner David.
Workshops on Humour by Clement Chio, from Singapore in online meetings.

She has won humorous speech contest and given workshops on humour.👀👃👄❤

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